Sometimes the hardest subjects to talk about are the ones we most need to address. In this space, I've addressed some big issues, alluded to others, and ignored many. I keep fairly guarded, not necessarily to protect myself, but out of fear partially. This is a public space, and I don't know who reads regularly and who doesn't. I also don't want to over-share, but I do use this space to work things out.
It's a public forum of sorts, even without that many comments. That said, I'm opening the door a bit, and going to delve into an issue I definitely tend to skirt within this space. I'm going to spend some time about life as a single male, and what goes on when the light goes out. As a result, I'm hiding the rest of this post after the jump.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Boren Lookout.
Thank you Seattle for a great, warmer, clear day to start February. More photos here.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Smug alert.
In starting school, I knew it would be a time crunch. I also knew it would be a challenge, as I dove back into the land of homework and time management. I was a bit intimidated too, as my two classes are literature based, meaning lots of reading and analysis. Nothing prepared me for the introspective nature of one my classes though.
In my day class, the instructor has challenged us outside of the works we are reading. It has almost been split, the discussion on the texts and the discussion on concepts and theories outside of the texts. One of her big questions for the class is "who cares?", asking us why not only the text is important, but all that is attached. Almost every major discussion is wrapped within this question, in seeking justification and to understand the why behind things. It's fascinating to me, especially as the discussions apply to life as we live it.
Additionally, we've discussed humans as epistemological beings, and what is our ethos. Also, who cares, as we think about identity and how life relates to us. These concepts, and the train of thought attached, have slowly ensnared me as I move through the quarter.
Who am I? I'm an almost 31-year old gay male. I'm vegetarian, I count alcohol and coffee as my vices, though both are in moderation. I don't smoke, I don't do any drugs. I don't go to the gym, but I walk plenty, and bike as able. I enjoy yoga, but am not practicing at the moment. I'm agnostic with an atheistic bent. I am spiritual, but not religious. I'm a realist and a dreamer. I'm left handed, and deal with arthritis at times. I tend to tow the lie of moderation, doing just enough to sully my reputation without endangering myself. I tend to be motherly, and fiercely loyal. I'm social, but awkward. I write, I read, I sketch on occasion. I'm fairly well-rounded, yet decidedly in the middle. Moderation, restraint, and caution tend to guide me personally. And yes, I recycle.
Who cares? Good question. With many of the above, I am beginning to question if even I care. Sure, my age, orientation, and gender are fairly solid, but beyond that, there's a creeping sense of questioning. Why don't I get drunk? Why don't I drink two pots or more of coffee a day? I'd say it's where I am comfortable, and that I don't like those extremes, but it's more I can't. I've done the caffeine addiction, and I don't wish to repeat that. For as much as I do drink, I should be getting drunk every once in and a while, and not just drinking 2-5 every night. My old friends moderation, restraint, and caution step in though. In reality though, why do I insist on keeping up appearances and not getting drunk?
I've been vegetarian since 1996. My friend Toni started me down that path, and she's amazing. Since then, I've rounded out my reasons, firmed up my arguments, and been a good vegetarian. I've preached some, but maintained tolerance. I've been dutiful, branching into such deep topics as variants within the world's milk supply and how genetically modified crops are poisoning the world's plant population. I've toyed with being vegan, going as far as keeping my current apartment mostly vegan. The groceries I buy are vegan, though I am not. As something very deeply embedded in my life, it's not something I've questioned. Yet why do I care? Why is it important to me? I want to visit this in a later post (maybe), but who cares?
I've realized something. Though maybe not the sole reason, much of my life is based on posturing and standing. It's a smug attitude to a point, a desire to be better, a desire to seem better. Oh, I can help the planet, seem all do-gooder, and separate myself from the crowd? Sure, I'll cut out meat. Why yes, I'll go out drinking with you, but I won't be the one passed out at the end of the night. I'm better than that. Oh, you're life has hit a rough patch? Well chin up, and it'll get better. Sure, I have my problems, but look at my smile and my strength.
For that attitude, my life has been perfect. The people I've loved, the choices I have made, it all fits. I'm not saying it's the sole driving factor in my life, or even close to the only one, it certain fits the MO. And you know what they say, if it smells like a duck, and looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck...
So, I'm questioning. I'm taking a hard look at my life and its pieces. While I won't be spending every night at a steakhouse, followed by a gay bar and some random bed, I will question everything. I feel as I grow, as I heal, I deserve that. There's no reason to be smug, there's no reason to live exclusively within the confines of moderation, restraint, and caution. We are meant to live, after all.
In my day class, the instructor has challenged us outside of the works we are reading. It has almost been split, the discussion on the texts and the discussion on concepts and theories outside of the texts. One of her big questions for the class is "who cares?", asking us why not only the text is important, but all that is attached. Almost every major discussion is wrapped within this question, in seeking justification and to understand the why behind things. It's fascinating to me, especially as the discussions apply to life as we live it.
Additionally, we've discussed humans as epistemological beings, and what is our ethos. Also, who cares, as we think about identity and how life relates to us. These concepts, and the train of thought attached, have slowly ensnared me as I move through the quarter.
Who am I? I'm an almost 31-year old gay male. I'm vegetarian, I count alcohol and coffee as my vices, though both are in moderation. I don't smoke, I don't do any drugs. I don't go to the gym, but I walk plenty, and bike as able. I enjoy yoga, but am not practicing at the moment. I'm agnostic with an atheistic bent. I am spiritual, but not religious. I'm a realist and a dreamer. I'm left handed, and deal with arthritis at times. I tend to tow the lie of moderation, doing just enough to sully my reputation without endangering myself. I tend to be motherly, and fiercely loyal. I'm social, but awkward. I write, I read, I sketch on occasion. I'm fairly well-rounded, yet decidedly in the middle. Moderation, restraint, and caution tend to guide me personally. And yes, I recycle.
Who cares? Good question. With many of the above, I am beginning to question if even I care. Sure, my age, orientation, and gender are fairly solid, but beyond that, there's a creeping sense of questioning. Why don't I get drunk? Why don't I drink two pots or more of coffee a day? I'd say it's where I am comfortable, and that I don't like those extremes, but it's more I can't. I've done the caffeine addiction, and I don't wish to repeat that. For as much as I do drink, I should be getting drunk every once in and a while, and not just drinking 2-5 every night. My old friends moderation, restraint, and caution step in though. In reality though, why do I insist on keeping up appearances and not getting drunk?
I've been vegetarian since 1996. My friend Toni started me down that path, and she's amazing. Since then, I've rounded out my reasons, firmed up my arguments, and been a good vegetarian. I've preached some, but maintained tolerance. I've been dutiful, branching into such deep topics as variants within the world's milk supply and how genetically modified crops are poisoning the world's plant population. I've toyed with being vegan, going as far as keeping my current apartment mostly vegan. The groceries I buy are vegan, though I am not. As something very deeply embedded in my life, it's not something I've questioned. Yet why do I care? Why is it important to me? I want to visit this in a later post (maybe), but who cares?
I've realized something. Though maybe not the sole reason, much of my life is based on posturing and standing. It's a smug attitude to a point, a desire to be better, a desire to seem better. Oh, I can help the planet, seem all do-gooder, and separate myself from the crowd? Sure, I'll cut out meat. Why yes, I'll go out drinking with you, but I won't be the one passed out at the end of the night. I'm better than that. Oh, you're life has hit a rough patch? Well chin up, and it'll get better. Sure, I have my problems, but look at my smile and my strength.
For that attitude, my life has been perfect. The people I've loved, the choices I have made, it all fits. I'm not saying it's the sole driving factor in my life, or even close to the only one, it certain fits the MO. And you know what they say, if it smells like a duck, and looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck...
So, I'm questioning. I'm taking a hard look at my life and its pieces. While I won't be spending every night at a steakhouse, followed by a gay bar and some random bed, I will question everything. I feel as I grow, as I heal, I deserve that. There's no reason to be smug, there's no reason to live exclusively within the confines of moderation, restraint, and caution. We are meant to live, after all.
Labels:
feelings
Sunday, January 10, 2010
A Moment of Insanity.
So, yeah, at the end of November, I ended up going back to work. Out on the east side, with the big guys I had hoped to never rejoined. Yay for the constant need for contract employees you can shove around. It's been alright, but an adjustment. For me though, accepting the job came a day after I realized my budget was shot and I got my acceptance letter for the University of Washington. How bittersweet.
I managed, and muddled through. On December 22, I took a step toward my future, and went to orientation for UW. I registered for classes; I acted like school was viable. I agreed to a full-time schedule. You know what, I was happy about it too. Work be damned.
So, last Monday, I went to work, then scooted off to class. I proceeded through the week, juggling school and work somewhat successfully. Now, looking ahead, looking at the syllabi, I think I must be insane. Two literature courses, and some volunteer work that counts as college credit. I have a stack of books to read, papers to write, literature to analyze.
In addition, I have test passes to coordinate, man hours to crunch, coverage to track, and areas in a game title I own. I'll be on a 50 hour mandatory work week soon too probably. I'll be living on the bus as I go between here and Redmond.
So, a moment of insanity. Hopefully, I can still blog a bit. I have a great post in my head, we'll see if it makes its way out soon. In the meantime, homework to be had.
I managed, and muddled through. On December 22, I took a step toward my future, and went to orientation for UW. I registered for classes; I acted like school was viable. I agreed to a full-time schedule. You know what, I was happy about it too. Work be damned.
So, last Monday, I went to work, then scooted off to class. I proceeded through the week, juggling school and work somewhat successfully. Now, looking ahead, looking at the syllabi, I think I must be insane. Two literature courses, and some volunteer work that counts as college credit. I have a stack of books to read, papers to write, literature to analyze.
In addition, I have test passes to coordinate, man hours to crunch, coverage to track, and areas in a game title I own. I'll be on a 50 hour mandatory work week soon too probably. I'll be living on the bus as I go between here and Redmond.
So, a moment of insanity. Hopefully, I can still blog a bit. I have a great post in my head, we'll see if it makes its way out soon. In the meantime, homework to be had.
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